The Complex World of Youth Sports
by Kent Koen
Youth sports are more than just games. Sports are a cross-section of life where young athletes learn resilience, teamwork, and discipline. They are also the stage for a delicate dynamic between four key groups: players, coaches, parents, and referees. Having been involved in all four roles across a variety of different sports, as a youth player, volunteer coach, parent, and referee, I've seen firsthand the benefits and the tension that exists within the world of youth sports.
Players: The Ones Who Really Matter
At the core of youth sports are the kids themselves. As a young player, I remember the excitement of stepping onto the field, feeling like there was nothing more important than that game at that moment, and celebrating every small victory, whether it was a goal, a great pass, or just making it through a tough game. I also vividly recall the pressure that sometimes came from expectations, both from coaches and game attendees.
While I took a number of lessons away from my playing days, there was one particular lesson from an understanding coach that still resonates with me today. You see, as a young soccer player, I once missed a penalty kick. While I was distraught, my coach's message as I came over to the sideline still resonates with me today. He said, “Don’t let one play impact the next. Push that aside and move on to the next opportunity.” That blend of accountability, acknowledgement that, hey, I missed the kick, and encouragement for the opportunities ahead is what kids need in sports, but unfortunately, not all players get that balance.
Now, as a parent, I see my kids experiencing the same highs and lows. I watch them light up after a great play, and I see their frustration when things don’t go their way. My job isn’t to fix every problem, it’s to support and encourage them, just like my coaches did for me.
Coaches: The Mentors
As a volunteer coach, I quickly realized how much power and responsibility comes with the role. You’re not just teaching kids how to throw a ball or kick with proper technique, you’re shaping their love for the game and, in some cases, their self-confidence, things that can stay with them for a lifetime.
Coaching isn’t just about teaching skills. Coaching is about managing emotions, balancing competitiveness with fun, and ensuring every kid feels like they have a place on the team.
Like many of you, I’ve seen coaching at its best and coaching at its worst. I’ve coached in and refereed games where coaches berated kids for mistakes, yelled at referees over calls, and treated the game like a personal world championship rather than a learning experience for young athletes. Those moments remind me that coaches set the tone for everything. The way coaches act directly shapes how kids experience sports.
Parents: The Biggest Supporters
As a sports parent, I’ve felt every emotion possible on the sidelines. I've experienced excitement, frustration, pride, and even helplessness. Watching my kids play, I’ve had to remind myself not to coach from the stands or get too caught up in bad calls.
I’ve attended numerous soccer games where parents from both teams spent a good part of the match berating the referees and players. When that happened, you could just see the kids’ body language change. They became more focused on what the parents thought or might say than what the coach and their teammates were asking them to do.
Those moments always remind me of a simple truth: parents should be their child’s biggest cheerleaders, not their harshest critics.
Referees: Often Underappreciated
If you really want to see the good, the bad, and the ugly of youth sports, become a referee. I started refereeing youth soccer to stay involved in the game and to try to help ensure that my daughter’s league had enough officials for games to be played, but I quickly learned that referees are often the least respected people on the field.
Referees, many of whom are kids, are expected to control games, ensure safety, and make split-second decisions, all while dealing with adults who should know better than to castigate them. Is it any wonder that youth referees are quitting?
Final Thoughts
Youth sports are an incredible opportunity for learning and growth, but they’re also fragile. As I said, I’ve been on all sides of this experience, as a player, coach, parent, and referee, and I truly believe that if we remain focused on the kids and their well-being, we can create a better, more positive sports culture.